Match Reports

PT Rangers 4 Data 2

If ever a team needed to start the year with a win it was PT Rangers. After a run of five successive defeats at the end of last year, Rangers could not afford to drop further points if the 2006/7 season was going to live up to the early season promise. Thankfully, an almost full strength side, some clinical finishing and an entire sponge full of soaked up pressure ensured that Rangers got the win they needed.

The first half saw four goals, with the first two going to Rangers. Sharman opened the scoring after a nice attacking move through the centre, lobbing the keeper from 25 yards before wheeling away in celebration like an excited puppy whose legs are too big for his body. The second soon followed from Presley Orhue who had decided to play in fancy dress – possibly as a pirate. His bandana, odd socks, wrong shorts and brown jersey clearly fooled the opposition who allowed him to tap the ball into the net after a scrappy corner. Rangers were cruising and as such they decided to let the opposition get back in the game and gifted them two goals.

The first came from a penalty. Andy Holloway kicked a Data player up in the air, breaking his toes in the process, and the referee had no choice but to point to the spot. Well, he would have pointed to a spot if there had been one, in truth he pointed at a puddle. With the penalty duly dispatched Rangers were then cut apart from a ball which skimmed across the ground before finding a Data striker. In the words of Alan Hansen the defending was ‘shocking’ but the Data striker was ‘cool, calm, collected’ and he finished with ease past Lewis Clark in goal.

For the first 20 minutes of the second half Rangers were most certainly under the kosh. However, strong and resolute defending ensured that the visitors didn’t take the lead and two Neil McFayden goals eventually secured the points for the Rangers.

PT Rangers 1 vs St Mary’s 5

Right then. I have taken a solemn vow that there shall be no proper match reporting done until we win again. If I could grow a beard I would have vowed not to shave till we win. As that is not possible and, in the words of Boyzone, “words are all I have”, I am refusing to write anything more until we are victorious. Again, must do better and do some goals.

PT Rangers 1 vs. Broxbourne Rangers Reserves 5

This game doesn’t even deserve a match report. We lost. We had about three fully fit players. Googs had a big gash (and a cut on his leg), Morris couldn’t move, Deano pulled a hamstring, Mike ran the line with his arm in a sling, Pearman hobbled faster than he has ever hobbled before. Players were playing, or more accurately, standing, out of position and we were playing a bunch of jokers who are really bad at football. Basically the less said about this match the better. Must do better. Must buy a map of Chesthunt.

PT Rangers 3 vs. AEK Letchworth OR “It could’ve been the break we needed” 4 (AET)

Andy Holloway was excited (“just think of the impression it sends out to our rivals if we have a good run in the County Cup”), and Rangers really should have done the business. Spurning approximately 77 chances in the first 45 minutes, Rangers found themselves two goals down to a team of young scamps with haircuts who took all of their chances. The ball finally found the net from the foot of Murphy who pounced upon a loose ball in the Letchworth area sending Rangers into half-time facing a 2-1 deficit.

The second-half was a similar story. Chances were spurned whilst Rangers took control of the game. Googs prophesised that he was “gonna have to bloody well score if we were going to get a goal” and eventually he did, although I can’t remember how. However, Rangers eventually took the lead through a fine goal from Neil McFayden who held off the challenge of a Letchworth defender before firing home via his shin. Rangers were in control and cruising, so much so that even Kev Ayres was allowed on the pitch at left-back.

As I said, Rangers were cruising until the last seconds when Letchworth were awarded a free kick on the left. Surly everything would have been fine if the Rangers left-back had closed down his man when given the opportunity? There seamed no real threat as long as Letchworth weren’t given space to work a cross. But, where was the Rangers left-back? WHERE WAS HE KEVIN?! Letchworth duly equalised.

Extra-time saw Letchworth again take the lead early. Rangers went down to 10 men due to Sharman’s injury and it was an uphill struggle to find an equaliser. However, when the Letchworth goalkeeper broke his leg Neil McFayden was quick to point out that “this could be the break we need”. Unfortunately it was not to be. Although Holloway nearly scored in the last seconds, Rangers crashed out of the cup.

Northmet (Riverside) Reserves 1 PT Rangers 4

On a warm, sunny October Sunday (an oxymoron, I know!) morning, with the pitch looking as though the home team were expecting a Premiership club, the team changed and ventured onto the pitch in preparation for the forthcoming match. The routine, as always, involved stretching, warm-up, and shooting practise. The referee came out, the team lined up in their positions, and then…. PT Rangers turned up.

After a hasty warm-up, and the usual debacle of who was playing where, the referee called upon the Captains, Managers, Coaches, Physios and every other possible persona associated with either teams, including the trio of chav cheerleaders! Reminding them of their positions, and the fact that we were to be warned that he would be inconsistently inconsistent!

The game eventually kicked off, and with a performance more at home in the Northern Norfolk Cromer Under 15 League 7, PT Rangers found themselves with a mountain to climb, conceding a soft early goal, after both PT Rangers centre backs made every possible effort to prevent the ball hitting their delicate heads. Another clean sheet goes begging for another week!

Perhaps the most active PT Ranger player was ‘Debut Joe’ on the sidelines with his ball fetching abilities. PT Rangers were grateful for the half time whistle!

Cue ‘Braveheartesque’ rousing speech from Gaffer Googs (minus the horse and facepaint though) suddenly heads lifted and belief flowed back into the team.

The second half was a total contrast to the first. Players chased balls, won the first and second ball and slowly started to frustrate the opposition. With a breakaway flanking move saw a sublime pullback from ‘Sharman’ to the on running midfield maestro Dave and with a flashing right foot beat the ‘keeper at his near post. 1-1 and the Rangers were back in the game!

‘Twinkle-toes’ Mills then danced his way through the opposition defence only to be crudely taken out. Up stepped Captain Dan, with nerves of steel he had such understanding of his team-mates and awareness of their positions to offer the ‘keeper the save, in the knowledge that Dave would be running in and bury the rebound. What footballing brain this man has!

Further goals were added by Dave, and Ross (can this man stop scoring?) after the noticeable dropping of heads from the opposition and PT Rangers were quickly running away with the game.

The only downers to the win were the yellow card of Maestro Dave, the disallowed goal for ‘Debut Joe’ (cruelly ruled offside after Mills again samba’d and fox-trotted through the entire opposition team and the injury to ‘The Cat’.

Thus signing off, this debutant Reporter retires to his usual position of ‘keeper, although until when?

PT Rangers 5 Flamstead End 1 - League Intermediate Cup

The first proper footballing weather of the season greeted PT Rangers on their away trip to deepest Cheshunt and hosts, Flamstead End. Hindered by the sharply sloping slope throughout the first half, Rangers were at times lucky not to concede a goal. However, a few good saves from the ‘cat’ Curry in goal and resolute defending at the back was enough to keep the scores level. Rangers had a fair few chances of their own though, squandering them like fools before John Sharman managed to hit the back of the net (with the ball) just before the break.

Rangers struck again straight from the kick-off. A first time ball from defence sent Ross Murphy free on the left. His cross-shot was pacey and rather bouncy and found the goal from well outside the area. Flamstead End heads, already dropping, fell further and further towards the floor and the home side never recovered. Murphy then added a third for the team with a skilfully worked free kick, bent round the outside of the wall and beyond the despairing arms of the opposition goalkeeper. Some neat passing football then resulted in two goals for hatrick-hero Sharman before Neil McFayden, concentrating on his impending exams, passed the ball back to Goog in what can only be described as a ‘hospital-ball’. With the final kick off the game Flamstead End gained a consolation.

McFayden’s final ball may have sent a shiver down the spines of the Rangers defence but that was nothing on the sight which greeted the players as they returned to the dressing room where the referee’s wrinkly, cleanly-shaven arse, winked at all who passed it.

Pt Rangers 3 (Get)Onnett FC 1 - Division 2

For many a PT Ranger, it was a case of the morning after the night before. Sharman’s shenanigans had ensured that Goog’s promise to drop the most lagered-up member of the squad remained unfulfilled, mainly because Goog himself was the most alcohol filled Ranger. However, hangovers did not prevent the nets being put up in lighting quick time; Deano’s stepladder, although initially confusing, served its purpose perfectly.

It was visitors Onnett who primarily seemed most likely to hit the back of the net though. Playing in the mould of Wimbledon c. 1994, and hoofing every ball to the two large, burly forwards, the Ranger’s defence struggled to cope with the aerial bombardment. Poor finishing and last ditch tackles were all that prevented the usual two gaol deficit that Rangers like to inflict upon themselves. It took an early change of tactics to ensure that the goal threat was contained.

The deadlock was eventually broken in the middle of the first half when Ross Murphy was felled by a stray shin in the Onnett penalty box. Dan McFayden duly stepped up to convert the penalty before he prematurely vacated the field. It was clear that the previous night’s line dancing exertions had finally taken their toll, and the ‘Romeo Rodeo, cowboy guy from head to toe’ was replaced by the rather more fresh Dave ‘in bed in time to wake up for Match of the Day’ Pearman.

Taking the one goal advantage into the second half, Rangers extended their lead when Murphy was put through by who many remember to be Chris Burns, although Craig Bartolo insists that it was himself who played the killer ball. A third goal soon followed, the ball floating in the air from a series of well placed Rangers volleys before Neil McFayden poked it into the top corner of the net. Onnett managed to claw one back before the final whistle, but it was only a consolation as the Rangers defence was rarely troubled by the physical presence that insisted on pinching, kicking, wineing and winging its way to defeat.

PT Rangers 4 Kings Head FC 2 - County Cup First Round

A trip to the Hackney Marshes of north London and a county cup fixture against St Alban’s Kings Head was the right royal treat in store for Stuart Dipper’s PT Rangers last Sunday. Although the game was played in Enfield, Rangers had actually been drawn at home, and true to form decided to collapse like an old woman being attacked by a rabid monkey, going not one, but two nil down in the first twenty minutes. There is no denying that it was pathetic.

However, the flat pitch with its freshly cut surface suited the Rangers’ Argentinean passing style. A multitude of chances were spurned before Dan McFayden struck a free kick a-la Beckham vs. Greece 2001 past the gently flapping hands of the opposition keeper. Muted applause all round signalled that the Rangers enthusiasm was ever so slightly increasing, so much so that at half time at lest thirteen out of the fourteen members of the squad tried to have their pennies-worth and attempted to say something constructive.

With a mass of enthusiastic voices ringing annoyingly in the Rangers ears, the second half was controlled by a home side who clearly had the better of their work-shy opposition. The equaliser came from a corner when the big man from the back, Deano himself, struck the ball on the volley from at least 30inches from goal. The pace and venom as the ball trickled of his foot was such that it slipped delicately through the legs of a Kings Head defender very nearly having enough pace to touch the back of the net once it had crossed the line. A third goal soon followed when Ross Murphy was put through on goal, striking the ball past the keeper first time from just outside the box.

Of course, intense drama soon followed, when Mike ‘the cat’ Curry lost the ability to move, effectively placing the Rangers team goalkeeper-less for much of the second half. It didn’t matter though. Craig Bartolo soon settled the result with a finish that would have been impossible if he actually had a left foot. Streaking through the centre with a shocking turn of pace, Bartolo took the ball wide, so wide that the Kings Head goalkeeper assumed the ball had gone for a corner and foolishly turned away. Little did he know that Bartolo had a plan and he had been tricked by the wit of the Bart who proceeded to place the ball in the bottom left-hand corner of the goal, sealing a not very hard fought victory for the Rangers.

PT Rangers 2 Turnford Geese 4 - Roy Bailey Challege Cup 2nd Round

After three weeks of Sunday mornings in bed, getting up and playing football was always going to be tough for PT Rangers. Ominous warnings from Dave Pearman concerning the nippy, skilful front man in Turnford Geese’s ranks filled much of the Rangers team with dread, so much so that Simon Morris vacated the field before half-time.

It took two first half goals from the Geese before enough Rangers feathers were ruffled to provoke a response and a goal from the mighty striking force that is Barry Hopkins. After a nice passing move through the middle Hopkins received the ball out wide, struck the ball as if to cross, but was careful enough to catch the northerly wind that he had skilfully calculated would send the ball over the keeper’s head and into the net. It was a goal that some, especially Barry, would call genius. After a few of the Geese’s supporters had got their gander up and shamelessly abused one Rangers player for accidentally viciously chucking the ball into one of their faces, it was half time. Cue rousing Henry V style speech from Hopkins and renewed belief in the Rangers ranks.

It was unfortunate therefore, that Rangers conceded two sloppy goals early(ish) on. Although playing some lovely passing football in attack, Rangers’ defended like what can only be described as ‘a bunch of twats’ and a three goal deficit was always an impossible task. The best move of the game came from Rangers though, resulting in their second goal with Chris Burns finishing off another sweet passing move. However, the highlight of the game was Craig Bartolo’s booking for a superb lunge at an opponent’s weedy, lily-white legs. It was a lunge of epic proportions. Try connecting next time though eh Bartolo?

SC